Nuh-Uh!!!!

AHA! So five or six or seven years ago, I was reading some web page about the weirdest web sites of the year. One of the pages was about people who do it with dolphins. That is where I got my crazy dolphins-have-14-foot-penises fact that shocked my friend Tonya (and made her blush, surely).

All any of you have to do is do a little google search on "dolphin sex" and instead of the big bad hippy porno sights you'd expect, you can still find the fucking craziest shit you've ever heard:

http://www.sexwork.com/family/dolphins1.html

This page contains no explicit photographs, so you can look at it on your church computer. However, if you are a member of what my brother refers to as "the sensitive Mormon set" you should really stop reading now; I hate to offend. The text below is taken from the dolphin website (I have bolded the parts that REQUIRE your attention):

Q3) What do I do if a dolphin wants to mate with me?

A3) Accept, if possible! I will go through the steps involved with males and females.

The Male: When a male dolphin is interested in you, about the only thing you can do, if you are male, is to masturbate him. (Unfortunately, I cannot speak for the female of the human species... it seems women just don't like dolphins enough... so I cannot say for sure if it is safe to mate with them. I would suspect not, due to a dolphins size, but then again, I cannot say for a woman.)

WARNING! In the considerations of safety, you should NEVER let a male dolphin attempt anal sex with you. The Bottle-nose dolphin member is around 12 inches, very muscular, and the thrusting and the force of ejaculation (A male can come as far as 14 feet) would cause serious internal injuries, resulting in peritonitus and possible death. Unless you are the masochistic type, you will have a hard time explaining your predicament to the doctors in the emergency ward....

A male dolphin's member is roughly S-shaped, tapered at the end. If you are in the water with them, it is best to support the dolphin on his side, just under the water, with one hand, and handle him with the other. Male dolphins, I find, tend to prefer the base of the penis to be gently massaged and squeezed, as well as gently rubbed along it's length. It feels very much like the rest of the dolphin (ie. smooth and rubbery to the touch, but firmer). It doesn't take long for the male to ejaculate, around 40 seconds to a minute, and this is usually accompanied by either shuddering just prior to ejaculating, and thrusting and tail-arching during ejaculation. The force of ejaculation can be powerful at times, so it is best to keep your face out of the line of fire, or keep his member underwater. You can attempt to lick and suck on the end of it while masturbating as well, but be warned, do not try to give full throat, and get the hell out of the way before he ejaculates! A male dolphin could snap your neck in an accidental thrust, and that would be the end of that relationship.

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EWWWWW!!! I cannot accept this shit, no matter how open-minded I like to be. Alright, maybe if I lived on a deserted island and had lead poisoning or something. . .

Nah, not even then.

**I would like to note for my records that 14 feet IS a significant number in terms of dolphin penises.**