Yelena

So since the last time I posted, I have become disgusted by dolphins. Whenever I see a photo of one, on a billboard, say, touting the innocence of children or the wonders of nature, all I can think about is some dude with a ponytail and a boner in a cove rubbing some dolphins' rubbery belly. Dolphins seem disgustingly sexual, like how I feel when I remember the drama club or I contemplate the furry phenomenon. I suppose in theory I support mutual consensual everything, but on a visceral level, it all just creeps me out. Like some dude with a cape on.

Instead, I have a new hairstyle. While trying to teach my friend Heidi how to change between D and E chords on the guitar, I realized that some part of me, essentially, is Eastern European. I have cramps and I smoke in bed*. I eat cold, leftover gefelte fish and I use vicks vaporub on a daily basis. While giving guitar lessons in my bedroom, I not-too-discreetly give a vigorous scratch to my crotch. I wear white eyeliner. I am YELENA.

Behold:

My favorite part of this new hairstyle is the bald spot on the left side:

She's just all about fun, really.

*Just in case you're not getting this, these things are not true for Susanna, although they are true for Yelena.

When California Goes Too Far

I picked up this flyer at Rainbow Grocery two weeks ago. Can you believe this shit?





This is the text, verbatim, of the flyer:



Are the Dolphins calling You?


We are gathering a Bay Area 'Pod' to receive a remarkable gift. . .

the gift of Dolphin Consciousness


Get your flippers wet!


Attend Weekend #1

The Frequency of JOY!

April 27-29 * Fairfax, CA


Dolphin HEALING HEARTS. . .A Gateway to the New Paradigm

• Study with these Masters of Consciousness & Joy


• Receive the extraordinary Dolphin Attunements


• Heal your heart & return to wholeness, joy, your true nature


• Learn the Art of Dolphin Energy Healing


• Create Unity-Community with a loving and supportive pod


• And much more...

"Thanks and so much gratitude to you both for your courage to bring this incredible gift you offer to the world. I have been changed so deeply...!"

"Attunement #1 has been amazing for me. I feel I have access to part of my brain that I have not used before..."

April 27-29 (Fri. night, Sat. & Sun. days) ~ Circle Center, 17 Bolinas Rd., Fairfax, CA 94930

Tuition: $333 ~~~ Early registration by April 6: $300

For more information or to register, contact:

[contact information here, omitted just in case the guy googles his own name and finds my blog and I hurt his feelings]

www.dolphinheartworld.com

* * *

I've had this flyer on my fridge for weeks, just to frighten my students. Fairfax, where you are invited to get your flippers wet, is in Marin county, north of the Golden Gate bridge. It's so bizarre. I was lying in the park there with my old boyfriend and I heard *TWO* different people talking about their daily meditations for the week. They do have a bitchin' organic ice cream shop with flavors like lavendar honey.

And the most bizarre thing happened to me there. I went into a bookstore and there was a man watering the plants on the high shelves with a pesticide squirter thing. I said, "good idea" and he said "thank you." When I gave him the money for my book, I looked at his face and I was taken by him. I immediately loved him, like I had known him for years. I felt like I was looking at my boyfriend. But my real then-boyfriend was waiting for me outside, so I looked down and ran away like I was Joseph and the man was Potipher's wife.

I may be jaded about dolphins, but at least I'm an honest woman.

Graduate School

So I have finally, damnit, received notice from San Francisoco State that I was accepted into their MA program in Literature. I was also accepted by Mills College. I did not get into Berkeley, but I didn't expect to, so I wasn't disappointed.

I'm 90% sure I'm going to State cause their program is bigger and supposedly better and it's lots cheaper. Mills has a beautiful campus, but it's lots more expensive and they have a skunk problem. San Francisco State has signs with font from the early 80s. Maybe I'll start eating donuts in the morning and wearing brown blazers with corduroy patches on the sleeves and making carbon copies. And ogling the newly liberated office girls.

Nuh-Uh!!!!

AHA! So five or six or seven years ago, I was reading some web page about the weirdest web sites of the year. One of the pages was about people who do it with dolphins. That is where I got my crazy dolphins-have-14-foot-penises fact that shocked my friend Tonya (and made her blush, surely).

All any of you have to do is do a little google search on "dolphin sex" and instead of the big bad hippy porno sights you'd expect, you can still find the fucking craziest shit you've ever heard:

http://www.sexwork.com/family/dolphins1.html

This page contains no explicit photographs, so you can look at it on your church computer. However, if you are a member of what my brother refers to as "the sensitive Mormon set" you should really stop reading now; I hate to offend. The text below is taken from the dolphin website (I have bolded the parts that REQUIRE your attention):

Q3) What do I do if a dolphin wants to mate with me?

A3) Accept, if possible! I will go through the steps involved with males and females.

The Male: When a male dolphin is interested in you, about the only thing you can do, if you are male, is to masturbate him. (Unfortunately, I cannot speak for the female of the human species... it seems women just don't like dolphins enough... so I cannot say for sure if it is safe to mate with them. I would suspect not, due to a dolphins size, but then again, I cannot say for a woman.)

WARNING! In the considerations of safety, you should NEVER let a male dolphin attempt anal sex with you. The Bottle-nose dolphin member is around 12 inches, very muscular, and the thrusting and the force of ejaculation (A male can come as far as 14 feet) would cause serious internal injuries, resulting in peritonitus and possible death. Unless you are the masochistic type, you will have a hard time explaining your predicament to the doctors in the emergency ward....

A male dolphin's member is roughly S-shaped, tapered at the end. If you are in the water with them, it is best to support the dolphin on his side, just under the water, with one hand, and handle him with the other. Male dolphins, I find, tend to prefer the base of the penis to be gently massaged and squeezed, as well as gently rubbed along it's length. It feels very much like the rest of the dolphin (ie. smooth and rubbery to the touch, but firmer). It doesn't take long for the male to ejaculate, around 40 seconds to a minute, and this is usually accompanied by either shuddering just prior to ejaculating, and thrusting and tail-arching during ejaculation. The force of ejaculation can be powerful at times, so it is best to keep your face out of the line of fire, or keep his member underwater. You can attempt to lick and suck on the end of it while masturbating as well, but be warned, do not try to give full throat, and get the hell out of the way before he ejaculates! A male dolphin could snap your neck in an accidental thrust, and that would be the end of that relationship.

***
EWWWWW!!! I cannot accept this shit, no matter how open-minded I like to be. Alright, maybe if I lived on a deserted island and had lead poisoning or something. . .

Nah, not even then.

**I would like to note for my records that 14 feet IS a significant number in terms of dolphin penises.**

Dolphins have 14 foot penises

So my dear friend Chris responded to my last blog post about Giant squid with an article on CBS.com concerning "giant squid" off the coast of San Francisco. I would just like to acknowledge that the "giant" squid talked about in article aren't the official, evil, elusive giant squid that make me go all weak in the knees. The author of this article is playing fast and loose with the term"giant squid." The measly creatures in this article grow to only about 8 feet long. Although they do attack people, which I greatly admire, the true giant squid have tentacles that grow to be at least sixty feet long. Stop. Pause. Look around the room. Imagine what sixty feet of squid would look like. Okay?!?! Okay.

I would also like to admit that, in the great Williams tradition, I greatly exaggerated the diameter of the giant squid's eye. They are, in fact, not eight feet across, but truly 12 inches. I didn't mean to misremember. Why, just the other day I claimed to one of my friends that dolphins have 14 foot penises. And I really believed it when I said it. I think I read it somewhere...

Annals of Susanna, Volume 1995

And now a selection from the diary of 15-year-old goody-goody Susanna!

April 7th, 1995

I broke the law! Not really. Today I went out with Tina [my best friend] and we went over to her rich 18-year-old, owning-his-own-house Boyfriend's house. She let me drive her mom's car and since Travis [Tina's boyfriend] was in the car it was legal. My parents just would not approve of it. The way I see it is, there's lots of rules. I follow most of them. If I followed all of them I'd get tired of it and rebel so it's okay to raise a little hell ever so often so you don't die of boredom. As long as you don't hurt anybody, it's okay. [Was I Dutch?]

All of the sudden I feel really guilty that I betrayed my parents' trust of me [here comes Mormon Susanna] I'm thinking maybe I should tell them---nah. They'll just get mad and overreact. I guess I just better not do that anymore. What if I'd gotten in a wreck? It ain't all good.

Last night I was talking to Shane [my boyfriend] and someone called for my Dad and I asked him if he wanted me to call him back and he said sure. My Dad didn't get off the phone till 10:15 and he can't have calls past 10:30 (on non-school nights). I'm kinda sick and I was tired so I just went to bed. He was so cool about it though. He said he was actually kinda glad because he want to bed at 10:00. The sweet little thing is definitely in bed right now (11:30). Who knows, maybe he's dreaming of me. I love to lay in bed at night and think about him and wonder if he's thinking about me at the same time. He's such a good boyfriend. He treats me so much better than John [my boyfriend from two years before this, whom I broke up with because he slept with two other girls and I had only hugged him, once] ever did. Today I was thinking about the crap I used to put up with from him and it makes me sick. I was so naive. Shane is so nice. He would never go two weeks w/o calling me. I don't think he'd cheat on me. Me being older [I was six months older!] has a lot to do w/it. He's like "Wow, an older woman!" Tomorrow I'm going over to his house for dinner and then we're going to watch a movie. It would be so dang nice if he'd kiss me. If he doesn't, oh well. I like to just hold his hand. They're so soft and not really sweaty anymore.

I [heart] Shane

Susanna

Awwww....I just browsed ahead and the next night, after the credits were rolling for Stargate, I macked him. It was my first kiss, too. Looks like I was a bit disappointed:

"It kinda stunk. It was like squidish."

Surely I adapted, as I kept on making out with Shane for the next six months until his balls were so blue he went and dated a girl known to have already done it. I, on the other hand, maintained the law of chastity until I just couldn't damn take it anymore. But that took a lot longer than six months.

* * *

Now I love squid, especially The Giant Squid. They're sixty feet long; their eyes are 8 feet across. They have giant, powerful mouths that eat sharks and small boats. Are you fucking ready for that!?!? They live so far down and in such darkness that no one had ever seen one alive until last year, when a whole team of Japanese scientists finally nabbed a photo. Until then, we'd just found bits and pieces of the 40 foot long tentacles that washed ashore. The tentacles would be lashed and scarred from battles with great white sharks! Holy fucking shit!!! I *love* giant animals that can eat you just out curiosity!

Suzanne Holds the Mirror

Yesterday my friend, Stephanie and I wore purple skirts with flowers on them. I wore a blue flower in my hair. My eyemakeup matched my earrings. She had on orange clown shoes and put her long dreadlocks up in a half bun on her head. When we went to the Mexican restaurant, she took the little paper Mexican flag out of the grapefruit margarita that we shared and put it at the crown of her head.

Stephanie (sometimes she calls herself "Steffy Sue") and I went to the carnival in the parking lot of the local community college. It was getting cold and as we walked under the shadows of the rides we would shiver a little bit. The rides were expensive, so we only rode a few: the kamikaze was like a boat at the end of a pendulum that hung you upside down. We rode the tilt-a-whirl (if you lean to one side you spin faster) and the zipper.

The zipper is a 30 foot high rectangle with a track that goes around it like a compacted ferris wheel. On the track are cages that can flip upside down and turn around 360 degrees. It was raise us up over Oakland and then we would flip backwards and fall forwards while it lowered us back and around. I love feeling like something terrible is about to happen, like you're going to hit the car in front of you, or you're going to fall out, yet knowing that you are completely safe and that someone has engineered this thing to not hit the car in front of you and that thousands of people have already been in this exact situation and have come out just fine.

Once, while we were walking around, a woman looked at us and said to her friend, "Are they the Charmed Sisters?!?!" referring to the TV show about witches. I wonder if I was Shannen Dougherty or Alyssa Milano. It's funny how you can only see what you already know.