How to Eat Food

Growing up in my house, one of us would regularly eat almost an entire box of Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies and blame it on someone else. One time, while my brother was babysitting me, he and I ate an entire 500 count bag of Hall's cough drops because there wasn't any candy and we just wanted something to eat. It's not like we ate a lot of fried food or sugar cereal. My mom even insisted that we eat wheat bread and drink 2% milk. However, we did eat a lot of fast food. The pizza guy knew our names. And everytime we went to the grocery store or the gas station, Mom let us get a candy bar.

Now my Dad, who is very heavy, has promised us that in the next six months he will make a good faith effort to lose weight. I'm very proud of him for realizing how important this is, not only for himself, but because our family needs him to take care of himself so he'll be around a long time to debate with us and make up facts to support his arguments.

If I'd been a guy, I'm sure that right now I'd weigh over 200 pounds. However, I had the hegemony of teen magazines to scare me into skipping lunch and doing push-ups before I went to bed. Over time, I have gradually transitioned in something of a healthy diet, largely because I moved to California. It's pretty difficult to live here and not eat well. The produce is fabulous.

So below I've mentioned a few of the secret diet tricks I have learned to trick myself into eating somewhat well:

1. Drink water, not diet soda. A lot of the time, we think we're hungry when we're dehydrated. If you don't like to drink water, then mix water with a couple of tablespoons of pure fruit juice. Or make herbal tea. Quit your bitchin' and just do it.

2. If you want to eat bad food, eat good food with it. If you want to eat a hamburger, then eat one, but eat some salad with it. If you want to eat an entire chocolate bar, then eat one, but eat it with an apple.

3. Instead of diet food, like the blasphemy that is fat free cheese, eat small portions of rich, fatty food like fancy bleu cheese with big portions of food that is good for you.

4. Eat your food on a plate at the table. Don't eat in the car.

5. When you make food that is good for you, like spinach or a salad, put little pieces of yummy things in it, like pine nuts and slivered almonds and chunks of fried something.

6. Spend more money for better food and eat less of it. Buy a nice piece of fish instead of a box of fish sticks.

7. Have a cutting board, a colander, a grater, and garlic press ready to use at all times.

8. Use spices on things so they taste good.

This is what I eat when I'm in a hurry:

Mix canned kidney beans with garbanzo beans. Cut up a few stalks of celery. Grate a carrot (you can do this really quickly once you get used to it). Maybe throw some radishes or cilantro in there. You can also add sunflower seeds or slivered almonds. Top it off with sweet miso dressing.

This is the best tuna fish ever:

Mix tuna with Best Foods (in the West) or Hellman's (in the East) mayo. No other mayonnaise is edible. Put a big ole pinch of tarragon in there. You can't skip the tarragon; it'll blow your mind. Add salt, black pepper, capers, sunflower seeds, slivered almonds, mustard, horseradish, grated carrot, raisins, grapes, chunks of cucumber, and any combination of these. Toast your bread, and eat it with a piece of lettuce and a slice of tomato (if it's in season).

Now go drink a glass of water and tell me your favorite recipe.