Saturday, February 10, 2007

She Was Born In Spring, But I Was Born Too Late

So one of my all time favorite hobbies is breaking up with my boyfriend. I pull it out and jog with it every few months. Some others in my bag of tricks are quitting smoking, changing the litter box, flossing, and badmitton. I do these every few months as well.

We're all doing the best we can. I'm a very judgemental person, and this comes back to bite me when the tidy facts of my life-résumé seem a little fucked up. The best decision I ever made in my life (leaving the Mormon church) was decided in a vacuum, when everyone else around me told me I should do otherwise. For a week or so back then, I felt like there was a 50/50 chance that I would either be fine or I would live in hell (or at least without God)* for all eternity. That is a really fucked up thing to carry around.

Now, I feel like I'm in a similar situation. However, this time I'm choosing the sensible option, the logical decision, the one that makes sense to other people, and, most importantly, the decision that feels right in my gut. My heart is absent. I've silenced it. It's broken, really. And it's been a week or so, and though maybe not 50/50, I do feel that there's two possible outcomes: I will be fine, or I will be sad for long long time. I can't tell you how bad this sucks.

I'm older now and I'm not as scared as I used to be back then. I know I have done everything I could, and even though other people may think it's fucked up for breaking up and getting back together with someone over and over, I'm so glad that I did. I did my best to love him, and that was the right thing for me to do. My conscience is clear.


**Mormons don't believe in hell. I'll explain if you want to know.

2 comments:

Paul Dunn said...

Sorry to hear about the sudden change in your life. You have to remember that there are certain things in life that you want and you have values (even if it's not within the confines of LDS D&Cs).

You gotta live by your own rules. When those rules are put into question, you can do one of two things, enforce them or break them. The beauty is that you get to "legislate from the bench" in your own life. Don't compromise the rules too often though, otherwise you'll end up letting someone else dictate your rules for you.

Be proud of who you are, knowing that you've made a decision and are comfortable with it. I don't know the pretenses of your break-up, but don't be afraid to second-guess either. You are an open and independently minded person, so form your thinking in such a way that let's in a different opinion when you question your rules... and discarding those that would undermine them.

Chin up, young lassie. Spring is just around the corner.

C.M.R. said...

Badminton?!

Seriously?

Because I very much dig the racquet-based sports.

Do you know anyone with a set? I may have to make some calls...

Few things stir up mad giggling like some fast-paced silly four-player badmintonin'.

Badminton is awesome, but is difficult to play on a full stomach.