Three Funny Stories From Work

Three funny stories from work:


1. When I showed my pictures from my trip to one of the senior ladies at the Korean Center, she puffed out her cheeks and said "You look fat!" Then she let out this long, evil laugh. I told her it was rude, but she just kept saying it over and over and pointing "You look fat! Hahahahahaha Vely fat!"


I tried to tell myself that she probably just meant "healthy," but this woman is one of my best students. She comes every day and her English is pretty good. I hate it when you think someone is really cooperative and hard-working and then you realize that they just have mild dementia.


I had the bilingual social worker come translate because I'm not above getting upset if some old lady calls me fat. It turns out that she meant that I looked fat IN THE PHOTO but that I wasn't fat in real life and she thought that that was funny. And apparently, in Korea, it's rude to say that someone looks nice in a photo because it implies that they are ugly in real life.


So Mrs. Bae is actually sane, but I still gave her a harder assignment today than I usually would have because she laughed so evilly.

2. I got some pictures back from when I taught the Chinese ladies how to play "Go Fish."



With my Chinese students, I enforce this "No Chinese (!)" rule during games because it helps them learn. However, it's kind of hard to turn off that part of your brain that knows it's wrong to yell "Speak English!!!" at old Chinese ladies. But if they break the rule, I'll take away one of their pairs!!! And I mean it!!! Good thing you can get through the whole game by just saying
"Give me all your ____" and "Go Fish"

I like this picture cause it looks like I'm teaching them how to count cards and take over the casino:

Lin Ruie Fen (on the left) is all "She's got snake eyes!"

3. Today, I taught a small Chinese class at a senior residence that also houses American seniors. American seniors are my least favorite, cause in California they're not even cute or cool like they are in Georgia. They eat canned spaghetti and hate foreigners ("they're taking away our spaces!). Plus, the old men are creepy. I'd rather walk past a gigantic construction site in a mini-skirt than walk to the bathroom if a bunch of old Californian men are in the hallway. Today this man WITH A WALKER approached me before class.


He's all, "I saw you drawing some pictures before of a pig and a cow. I'm an artist and I'd like to help you."
I said, "Thank you. That's great. What your name?"
"Ron"
"Hi Ron, I'm Susanna"
"Do you speak Chinese?"
"No, I don't."
"Oh, so, do you pantomime?"
"Yeah, a little...You don't have to speak another language to teach English"
"Oh, well, I just got my new teeth yesterday."
"Oh. They look good."
"Yeah, I'm ready to bite into things, like an apple, or maybe some young girl's neck if you know what I mean."


Is there a woman out there who would be swayed by the newness of dentures? This guy was not demented, just creepy. If he had been twenty years younger, I would have told him to mind his manners. Damnit, I should have anyway. I wish, OH HOW I WISH, I had just asked him how old his granddaughters were and how he'd feel is someone said something like that to them. But, of course, I didn't think of that fast enough, so I just ignored him and set out some expired Laffy Taffy for my students. (Which he COULD NOT have bitten into)

Marie, Marie, Hold On Tight

I just got back from an excellent vacation. I spent the last week in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, skiing, snowmobiling, and hanging out with about 60 of my relatives. My grandfather sold an old piece of family swamp land and, instead of willing the money to us after he and my grandmother die, decided to take us all on a vacation together now. I'm the youngest of 10 grandkids, the rest of them are all married and everyone (except one) has kids. Thus, I have like a million second cousins and huge family.

My grandmother was born in Jackson Hole, and her grandparents helped settle the place. My great-great-grandfather helped establish the national elk refuge there, and supposedly even helped decorate the famous Million Dollar Cowboy Bar. Now Jackson Hole is an expensive winter tourist town teeming with hot guys who never forget their gloves and can get your snowmobile out of a ditch with one hand. It's a good place for a girl with a broken heart.

I love the snow! As long as you're wearing long underwear and a million layers, you don't really get cold. If you fall down, it doesn't hurt and you can just roll around in it without getting dirty. It's like swimming. It's like being a toddler.

And skiing is the most fun thing in the world besides doin' it and looking at pictures of cats. I swear to God, if I have fucked up some part of my grad school apps and I don't get in anywhere, I'm moving somewhere where I can ski all the time. Unlike every other sport I've ever tried or played, I was actually good at skiing right away. Mama was right when she told me to be proud of my big ole' strong legs ("those legs are going to carry you through life, Susanna").

Here's a photo of me going down a pretty steep hill:

And then wiping out:

Whenever I fell, I would laugh. I felt like a baby falling down on the carpet. Plus, my cell phone was in my pocket and it'd get jammed and go "De-Dah" everytime. When I'd go back on the lift, the guy would go "Did you fall again?" because my jacket and my pants would be covered in snow. It didn't hurt, though, even when I fell with my face in the snow and my skis fanned out behind me. It reminded me of the first time my old boyfriend and I put on our scuba diving equipment in this pool in Mexico. Neither of us could move without tipping backwards or getting our heads underwater. We were like little fetuses. Both of us looked up

at our instructor and said "Mommy!"

Another amazing thing we did in Jackson was go snowmobiling to these natural hot springs:

We rode in about 10 miles, took off the 500 layers we were wearing and got in the hot water. It was snowing and there was about 5 feet of snow on the ground. While we were swimming, our guides cooked us each a steak.

I put my bathing suit out to dry on the snow.

Then I pushed my mom down.

Snow is quiet. It's soft under your feet. It's also very, very cold.

But I think it's good for you.

She Was Born In Spring, But I Was Born Too Late

So one of my all time favorite hobbies is breaking up with my boyfriend. I pull it out and jog with it every few months. Some others in my bag of tricks are quitting smoking, changing the litter box, flossing, and badmitton. I do these every few months as well.

We're all doing the best we can. I'm a very judgemental person, and this comes back to bite me when the tidy facts of my life-résumé seem a little fucked up. The best decision I ever made in my life (leaving the Mormon church) was decided in a vacuum, when everyone else around me told me I should do otherwise. For a week or so back then, I felt like there was a 50/50 chance that I would either be fine or I would live in hell (or at least without God)* for all eternity. That is a really fucked up thing to carry around.

Now, I feel like I'm in a similar situation. However, this time I'm choosing the sensible option, the logical decision, the one that makes sense to other people, and, most importantly, the decision that feels right in my gut. My heart is absent. I've silenced it. It's broken, really. And it's been a week or so, and though maybe not 50/50, I do feel that there's two possible outcomes: I will be fine, or I will be sad for long long time. I can't tell you how bad this sucks.

I'm older now and I'm not as scared as I used to be back then. I know I have done everything I could, and even though other people may think it's fucked up for breaking up and getting back together with someone over and over, I'm so glad that I did. I did my best to love him, and that was the right thing for me to do. My conscience is clear.


**Mormons don't believe in hell. I'll explain if you want to know.

Susanna's Helpful Hint Number 49

When throwing a large party, invite your downstairs neighbors with a handwritten invitation the day before. Tell them they're more than welcome to come, and tell them to call you if it gets too noisy. They probably won't come, but they'll never complain about the noise, even when you and your guests are dancing and jumping on the floor at 1 in the morning. Plus, it'll help dispell the ice-bitch persona you've cultivated so well because you don't always shoot the shit everytime you run into someone in the hallway. They'll think you're the nicest person alive and you get to maintain your privacy!

Everyone Else

In my opinion, the most humane way to walk around in the world is to assume that everyone else is suffering horribly. The woman in front of you in line to order coffee has just lost her mother. The guy serving it just learned that his bank account is overdrawn. The car in front of you in traffic, the annoying one, just left the hospital. The woman on the left is about to throw up. The man who passed in front of you on the way into your apartment was just betrayed by his best friend. Their house burned down. Her purse was stolen. He's been fired. She hasn't slept in two days. He wants to die. Her heart is broken.

And it's his birthday. The woman over there just found a $100 bill in her coat pocket. He's just had sex. She has a date tonight with someone she's been in love with for months. The man who walked by is almost finished with his novel. The woman on her bike is going to a surprise party and she doesn't know it. He had the exact same dream as you last night. The lady drawing her blinds met your grandmother in 1963. The man waiting for the bus is wearing identical underwear to the man waiting at the light. She bought the package of bobby pins immediately behind yours at Walgreens. He's just arrived from the airport. The woman with the duffel bag works the night shift.

Gotta Fill Your Cupboard

The first cd I ever bought was the Dick Tracy soundtrack. I bought it at a used cd store in Marietta in 1990, when I was 10 years old. I believe the rest of my family had been shopping for Laserdiscs. I still love this cd. It's all Madonna singing big band music written by some Hollywood dude (with a pony tail, surely) in the late 80s. She's laying on the sexy. When my parents left me alone I would push all the furniture back against the walls and do a dance routine to the song "More," complete with imaginary canes and a chair as a prop. "More" was a celebration of excess: "Got my diamonds, Got my yacht, Got a guy I adore. I'm so happy with what I've got, I want more!"

I have no idea what the plot of the movie was, but Madonna wore a very low neck gown and she was bad (always making puns on Mr. Tracy's first name) and a singer in a night club. I loved her like any girl who was born in 1980 did, and I thought she was beautiful.

Warren Beatty was the male lead. Who cares? You know? He didn't sing and have back up dancers!

So I was tremendously disturbed to watch Shampoo a few nights ago, and discover that in 1975 Warren Beatty was hot! I've just seen him in the tabloids every now and then, and you'd have no idea that he was once a total, coiffed fox with tight jeans! Damn! If my hairdresser were that hot, I'd have much shorter hair. Good thing the guy who cuts my hair is stocky, pale, and gay.

SPOILER BELOW FOR SHAMPOO

Talk about weird sexual dynamics in the 1970s! Good Lord, they weren't kidding. And I didn't get my information from I Love the 70s or any other VH-1 special. My version of the 70s is informed by:

1. Spike Lee's movie Summer of Sam

2. Feminist Theory

3. Woody Allen

4. My Best of the 70s music compilation

5. Just imagining what could have gone on in between the 60s and the 80s.

I was so very satisfied that he didn't win the girl in the end, I can't even tell you. Goldie Hawn went off to Egypt, where she'd need a team of bodyguards unless she stopped wearing those uber-mini skirts. The other chick went off with the married guy (what about his wife and daughter? Nevermind them! It's 1975*!). Poor Mr. Beatty had to walk down off the plateau by himself; we can only hope he didn't chaffe.

*It was, however, set in 1968.

Twin Peaks

{I'm having some trouble with uploading the right image, so please excuse the lack of them in this post}

When I was working at the Barnes and Noble outside of Atlanta when I was 17, my coworkers and I watched the entire Twin Peaks series on cassette. Every Thursday, we would go over to this guy Alan's house and we'd watch three episodes. Alan was slightly older than me, had bad acne scars and this poster of Marilyn Monroe hanging in his living room:


I had a huge boner for him, the same way I had a huge boner for any boy three years older than me who was skinny and treated me like I was pretty. I had a boyfriend and I'm an honest woman, so nothing ever happened. I just wore impeccable white socks from the Gap when I came over to his house in case I had to take my shoes off. Once he commented on how clean they were.

The other two people were Kim, a goth AIDS activist with horn rimmed glasses, and this guy Sean who I would now describe as an arrogant film guy but at the time just seemed really cool.
I loved these people. I had never met anyone like them. They were nice to me, even though I was Mormon, insanely naive, and my favorite band was 311. I swear to god Kim changed my whole life when she said in passing, "Jesus, half the people in the world are trying to pretend to be something they're not!" Her words were tremendously influential; it was like she was telling me something I needed to know that nobody had ever told me. It's nice to remember this, because if I overheard a 20 year old goth girl say that now, I'd be bored. At the time though, I was a girl who wanted each pair of her white cotton panties to be perfectly folded and the crotches to be impeccable. In fact, here is a photograph taken during this time, of which I was secretly very proud:

(I bought each pair of those with my own money that I should have been saving for college).

But Twin Peaks was great. I have the loveliest associations with it. I felt so cool at Alan's house. They'd drink a beer or two; I wouldn't leave like I normally would have with my high school friends. I'd sit far away but right beside Alan. After the shows one night, they played a Portishead cd. It was like Susanna Adult School.

I moved to Provo, Utah to attend BYU. When I came back during the summer, I had platform black patent leather Steve Madden strappy sandals, Victoria's Secret pantyhose and I had this new way of putting all my hair on my head so I looked like some sort of hip Roman goddess with baby barrettes. I kind of looked like I worked a salon in a mall in Atlanta, but I wore much less foundation and pinker lipstick. I went to work and flirted with Alan, but after a few days I realized he had this new creepy side that I hadn't seen before. I still don't know what that was.

I eventually took Kim's words to heart; I left BYU, the church, and overtime I even stopped shopping at the Gap. All of those socks are now lost, but I still have and wear many of the underwear. And yes, they are all still immaculate.

Kim got a job full time at AIDS Atlanta. Sean moved somewhere. Alan became a cop, but I didn't know that. He was killed at work in 2000 by a hit and run driver. My name was in his datebook, so they called my house and spoke to my Mom. When she told me about it, I couldn't remember who he was. I didn't know any Alan who would have become a cop.

I Am But Mad North-North-West

KALX, the local Berkeley radio station, is hosting its "Best of 2006" week. Each DJ plays the songs he or she thinks are best from last year. Twice today I heard a track from a band called A Hawk and the Hacksaw. I recognized immediately that it was Elephant 6 related. At first I thought it was the Olivia Tremor Control, only with fewer members. Both times I heard it, the DJ said that it was former members of Neutral Milk Hotel and Beirut.

Beirut is indie-rock inspired by Balkan gypsy music. I eat that sort of thing up, all heavy layers and bells, but I think I prefer field recordings to things like this. I bought the Beirut cd only because Jeremy Barnes (the NMH drummer) was playing on it and I heard a snippet and thought that it was good. I'd like to emphasize that Mr. Barnes isn't a member of the band, he just played on the record.

So these DJs throwing around this A Hawk and A Hacksaw project as being from former members of NMH is mildly annoying. I think I wouldn't mind it if it was just "A former member."

What I do like is the name of his new project: A Hawk and A Hacksaw. What a great name for a band!

"I am but mad north-north-west: when the wind is southerly I know a hawk from a handsaw." --Hamlet, Act II, scene ii

According to T. Burton:

"Parrying Rosencrantz' and Guildenstern's clumsy inquiries, Hamlet warns them not to underestimate him, 'I know a hawk from and handsaw,'(II.ii.394) with 'handsaw' widely considered to be a variant or corruption of 'hernshaw,' an early word for 'heron.' He means 'I'm sane enough to know the hunter from the hunted.' "

I took a Shakespeare class from and Anthony Burton at BYU. I wonder if T Burton is him. Dr. Burton wrote a sonnet every morning for a year. I really think only a Mormon would or could do something like that. I remember one of them was in praise of toast. The others were more serious; I think one was about his wife, some nuanced understanding between the two of them. I wonder if she liked his poems, if she looked at him and saw him twenty years younger, when his hair was thick and it was cool to wear a braided belt, if she imagined herself then thinking of the future being married to a Shakespeare professor who wrote sonnets for her. I see him backlit in a brown field coat, and her looking straight ahead, loving him because he sees himself as the hero in his own text.

Some small part of me wishes that things like that would work for me.

Time keeps on slippin' slippin' slippin

As a kid I held a kind of sacramental reverence for the first time I wrote the date of the new year. Like most children, I never wrote a date like MM/DD/YY for any other reason than to mark the top of my homework. In school, the date was linked to TODAY.

Whereas the days and months changed consistently, the year was locked in what seemed like forever. Toward the end of the year I would remind myself that I had once written the year before at the top of my paper, and even though I knew it was true, I didn't believe it. It had been this year for so long that the ones before had never existed. I would imagine going to heaven and God telling us all that he had programmed the past in our minds, that the only year that ever really existed was 1989.

At 12:01 on January 1st, 1990, I stood under the front porch in awe that I had lived an entire decade, that it was a new decade, that the 80s were gone and that I would never again write "mm/dd/89" at the top of my paper. When I wrote the "90" on the far right of the dashes for the first time, I almost felt like I had done something wrong.

Many people I know subscribe to the theory that we experience time as a percentage of the time we have lived. Thus, one day to a child is much longer than a day to a 94 year old man because the old man has lived longer. Although time does pass more quickly now that it did when I was a kid, I think our experience of time passing has much more to do with whether or not we are waiting for something to happen in the future and the length of our attention spans (which is tied to our ability to distract ourselves). For me, childhood was just biding time until I could have all the privileges that came with adulthood. I wasn't very good at distracting myself either. Now, when I can't wait for something to happen in the future, such as drinking the French champagne I bought for tonight, I am able to distract myself and the wait doesn't seem so long.

However, the sancitity of writing the new date has changed. It's not that things diminish with time. It's not that I've lived so many years (which I haven't) that one more is insignificant. I'm not so busy that I can't be bothered with petty things. The special feeling of writing the new year's date has been corrupted by credit card expiration dates.

Yes, I have already written or typed 01/2007 hundreds of times. My next payment on my student loan has been due 09/01/07 for forever. I've already mentally journeyed to 10/15/07 every time I consider my car insurance premium. Thus, it's not that being an adult diminishes the passing of time, it's that our contemplation of future dates is almost always embedded in when our bills are due.

It's Christmas Time in Tuscaloosa

Greeting from Tuscaloosa, Alabama, where I've reverted back to being a whiny, grumpy 13 year old girl obsessed with how her hair has gotten too frizzy.

I'm sitting in the newly built lobby, in front of a flat screen monitor, with the local radio station and their 24 hour Christmas marathon playing on the right.

My parents, who are surely kinder, nicer, more interesting, and less annoying than I find them right now, sure do take forever to leave this Comfort Inn and their lack of non-decaffeinated coffee and no drinks near the computer policy.

According to the radio, Tuscaloosa is rich in African-American history, as the first black mortician was licensed here!

Bitchy? Check
Anxious? Check
Spoiled? Check
Hair-style inspired by Alabama? Check Check

Well It's About Damn Time

No excuses, let us move forward. Onward Ho!

Personal Assistant/Social Secretary Top
Description: This person is responsible for keeping up with the social and professional demands of an employer. Duties may include keeping track of the family agenda, arranging for reservations of various events, travel bookings, event planning, some secretarial responsibilities, shopping and running errands.
Annual Salary Range: $50,000 to $110,000

--The Reimer Agency

In dealing with the wave of responsiblity I've neglected since I have been stressing about my grad school applications, I decided I needed to hire a personal assistant. The only problem is that I can't afford it. However, I realized that if I worked as a personal assistant then I could use the extra money to hire one myself. Or to hire myself.

And that is what I've done. I've hired Mindy, my alter ego. Mindy is detail-oriented, well-groomed, and emotionally detached from overdue library notices and forgotten jury summons. She puts things into piles and takes care of them.

She comes once or twice a week, and I pay her fabulously. The best part is that Mindy has also arranged for me to keep a housemaid (Marta), a laundress (Mrs. Gillagheey), a gardener (Jacques), a chaffeur (Henry), and even a groundskeeper (Mr. Purdue)!

The downside to this is that I now have to work not only as a personal assistant, but a housemaid, laundress, gardener, chaffeur, and groundskeeper. The work is easy, but I totally resent my employer. I just wonder, "why do I have to clean up her laundry and make her bed? Why can't she do it herself?" The maid work, especially, is really boring, but I just try to kill the hours before I can go get some beers with my hot boyfriend, Hank.

Even though the work is really hard, it's so nice to come home to my clean apartment after the maid has come!

P.S. Mindy is in no way related to or associated with my sister-in-law's sweet sister.

The Wild Rose

I believe in my last post I said I was hardy, that I didn't get colds often and had good knees.

Well, the very next day I got a cold. This happened to me once before, waking up after a night of too much alcohol and feeling just fine. I told my friend on the phone, "I feel like a superhuman." That afternoon, I started coughing and was sick for two weeks, puffing on gauloises the whole time.

But this time, hopefully will be different, as there is no smoke going in these fine pulmonary organs, and I'm actually not crazy! Also, seeing as I'm taking the GRE very soon, it might be good to be, yet again, confined to my bed.

Although I've been immured by this sickness, if I remain assiduous and obdurate in my studies, I will not be plaintive. With steady acclivity, I shall rise to sing the paens of my GRE verbal scores and fulminate in a beatific, laconic neologism that will not obfuscate the truth of my magnanimity.

I think it shall be: She rose.

The Resurrection

I return!

I had my wisdom teeth taken out last week. All four, including one that was perpendicular. I've just come off my yogurt, soup, ice cream, soy milk, juice, hummus, and percacet diet. No more lying in bed, wrapped in ice packs, watching footage of Antartic penguins, falling asleep every 15 minutes.

Although I felt like I was disappointing my dentist, I decided to pay the extra $80 and get laughing gas, which was essentially like being very very stoned. It's the EXACT same feeling as smoking marijuana. I don't understand why they are not both options. I wasn't laughing. It was 2:00 in the afternoon, and I was paranoid my dentist was going to find out I was high.

We all have our own reasons for hating to go to the dentist. Mine is the top 40 radio, the mauve and country blue trays, and the way every dentist (except for Mark Prestwich, a family friend) makes you feel inadequate. No matter what they're actually saying, I hear "YOU ARE DIRTY AND POOR AND YOU SHOULD HAVE FLOSSED!!!"

Since I had the surgery, many of my friends have told me that dentists have the highest suicide rate of any profession. This makes complete sense for the following obvious reasons:

1. People don't like to go to the dentist.
2. They don't receive the same respect that people in similar fields, like say
doctors, do.
3. It's lonely.

However, I also suggest the following reasons:

4. People who are attracted to dentistry have to be at least a little sadistic, especially dental surgeons. It's more like doing concrete excavation on people's mouths. At one point during my sugery, my head was braced against Dr. Khoury's hip and his arms were shaking while he pushed on my jaw. I could hear cracking. Apparently, it's not uncommon for dentists to put a foot up on a chair and brace themselves while pushing on someone's face. Sadism is a good way to work out some self-loathing.

5. Most of us learned in elementary school that taking care of our teeth means brushing and flossing after each meal and snack, not eating candy, and going to the dentist once a year. Yawn. How many people do you know who brush and floss every day, let alone after every meal? [Are you sure? Even after lunch? Even after eating some candy?]

I think if we're all honest with each other here, we'll admit that most of us brush once or twice a day and floss maybe once, twice, or three times a week, if that. It's okay. I don't think you're a bad person. I don't think you're gross. I once fell asleep with a sugar daddy in my mouth and it got stuck in my hair.

We're humans, not automatons. Being human is all about being flawed and weak. You sleep, you watch tv, you put things off, and sometimes you eat a popsicle late at night and wake up with gritty teeth and an orange tongue.

But when we go to the dentist, we have to be strong, and diligent. It's like interviewing at the Franklin Covey corporation: "Yes sir, I wake up at 5:00 am. After jogging, I enjoy a fresh oral rinse. And, as a matter of fact, no, I won't be requiring any breaks."

It's the same damn thing I've bitched about before: Americans' pride in being masochistic. It's like a sickness that's infested offices, schools, hospitals, gyms, knitting circles, and even Bikram yoga classes in New Orleans. You don't sleep, you don't do anything wrong, and you don't feel pain.

I think this way of thinking is contrary to being happy. And I think if I had a job where everyone whom I came into contact with felt ashamed or inadequate when they were around me, eventually, I'd probably want to die.

. . .

That said, I did some research, and apparently dentists do not have the highest suicide rate in the nation. It's more accurate to say that highly educated white men have a higher suicide rate than average. They're in the company of black men in positions of authority (security guards, for example), and middle age white female artists and craftswomen. Shit.

. . .

The worst part of the whole thing wasn't the pain. It wasn't even the nicotine withdrawal (I couldn't smoke, so I quit by default; yay!). It was the competition with other people who have had theirs out.
Such as:

"Some people leave my office and go eat a steak." Dr. Khoury told me.

"The only thing I had to do to recover was take the band-aid off my arm!" my Dad said. Thanks, Dad, but they don't give you a shot in your arm.

But the worst was a very good friend of mine who went with me to get a smoothie five days after I'd had the surgery. I'd like to extrapolate on how fucked up my teeth were, but let's not go there. Let's just say that they were pretty bad. Let's also acknowledge that I hadn't had a cigarette in five days, nor a cup or coffee, let alone solid food. And just to keep the pity party going, let's mention that I've recently ended a 4 year relationship. There I was clutching my face, my eyelids half-closed, whining about how I wish I were better.

"Maybe it just has to do with your pain tolerance" She said, sucking proudly
on her straw. "I went out the very next day."

I lunged for her chest with my fork. "HIIII YAH!"

She'd hit my achilles heel. Since I had this crazy case of chicken pox when I was 10 that involved a heat rash, a sun burn, and my mother kneeling to pray that my face would not be disfigured for the rest of my life, I've been able to zen-out on physical sensations like pain, nausea, or itchiness. I can tell myself that pain is just my nerves reacting to something and it works; I stop feeling it. I like to think I'm hardy and strong. I have good knees and I don't get colds very often.

"I'm not weak!" I yelled.

We were at Cafe Gratitude, a raw/vegan restaurant when you order your food by saying little sentences like "I am graceful" or "I am peaceful."

"I can tweeze every hair out of leg for fun and not feel anything!"

She just laughed at me and drove me home to my percacet and ice packs. I'll probably forgive her in another week, once my gums have shrunk back to normal.

Go Out and See What You Can Find

So my brother, Mac, in all his manly glory, responded again to the question set forth in the post "I Won't Cuss Or Hitcha" where I asked all three readers of this blog to name a song written by a white man that celebrates a quality in women that is usually derided. That post was inspired by the songs "Big Leg Women" by Muddy Waters and "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-A-Lot. I argued that the kind of values these songs embody are only appropriate in the context of songs sung by black men. Paul Dunn, one of Mac's best friends from high school, met my challenge with the song "Trashy Women" by Confederate Railroad.

In yesterday's post, Mac pointed out a whole genre of songs that almost fit this qualification: the I-Love-An-Ugly-Woman song. If you want to read what he wrote, just look at the comments from yesterday's post. As examples, he provided:

"Casimira" by Banda Machos. The gist of this song, which Mac was kind enough to translate, is that there is an ugly woman who a man dances with all night long.

"Get An Ugly Girl to Marry You" by Jimmy Soul. As Mac said, "Granted this song isn't about mutual sexual satisfaction, the asshole just wants someone to cook for him."

Then, Mac pointed to two "Butterface" songs. This term refers a woman who is ideal except her face. Elton John and Bernie Taupin's "Yell Help, Wednesday Night, Ugly" and Bob Dylan's "The Ugliest Girl In the World" (see Shakespeare's Sonnet 130). Dylan even notes that "she's not much to look at." These songs are about loving a woman, in spite of, not because of, some physical quality. Muddy Waters loves the women BECAUSE of their big legs, not IN SPITE OF their big legs.

He also suggested "In the Summertime" by Mungo Jerry. I don't quite understand what Mac intended by relating this song to the topic of loving a woman because of a quality that is usually considered unattractive. I think he's referring to the line: "If her Daddy's rich, take her out for a meal. If her Daddy's poor, just do what you feel." Mac thinks this song is misogynistic, but I think it's actually pretty sexy. Wanting to sleep with all the ladies isn't misogynistic; it's lovely. He's equal opportunity, which I am for. I think he's just saying that dating a poor girl is easier cause you can just hang out. I mean he even tells us, "we're not dirty, we're not mean." Plus, you have to love the naivete of "Have a drink, have a drive." And, to further prove my theory, here is a photo of this equal-opportunity man:



Mac also pointed out E.U.'s "Doin' the Butt." Um, I, uh, think this, kinda, um, refers to an action and not a specific body part.

Although I love the song, I didn't even think about "Maggie May" by Rod Stewart. After all, "the morning sun when it's in your face really shows your age, but that don't worry me none, in my eyes you're everything." Aw, this from creepy Mr. Stewart. However, again, he loves her despite the fact that she's getting old, not because of.

But, my sweet sweet brother, "Maggie May" reminded me of "Lady Midnight" by Leonard Cohen, which does work:

I came by myself to a very crowded place;
I was looking for someone who had lines in her face.
I found her there but she was past all concern;
I asked her to hold me, I said, "Lady, unfold me,"
but she scorned me and she told me
I was dead and I could never return.
Well, I argued all night like so many have before,
saying, "Whatever you give me, I seem to need so much more."
Then she pointed at me where I kneeled on her floor,
she said, "Don't try to use me or slyly refuse me,
just win me or lose me,
it is this that the darkness is for."

I cried, "Oh, Lady Midnight, I fear that you grow old,
the stars eat your body and the wind makes you cold."
"If we cry now," she said, "it will just be ignored."
So I walked through the morning, sweet early morning,
I could hear my lady calling,
"You've won me, you've won me, my lord,
you've won me, you've won me, my lord,
yes, you've won me, you've won me, my lord,
ah, you've won me, you've won me, my lord,
ah, you've won me, you've won me, my lord."


So, I guess Mac was right afterall. Thanks, Pooks.

My Cat Sits Upright

Please, Mr. Postman

Bad news folks, I read recently in the newspaper that the postal service has decided to cut back on the number of free-standing blue boxes to drop a letter in. For shame. In Oakland, you can't leave your outgoing mail in your box cause people steal it. We have to use those blue boxes, and I'm always looking for one as it is to send off my Netflix movies. If they get rid of more of them, I'll have to go to the post office with all the tweakers and grumpy old ladies who don't know how to work the stamp machines!

OH, and the stamp machines. Apparently their nixing all those too by 2010 because they're too expensive to maintain. So we'll print our postage off the internet or teleport it from our synth-modes or something.

I just hope the future is more fun, and has cool sounds and flashing lights.

It's So Nice To See People Get What They Want

Thanks to my brother, my friend, Chris Rogers, and my brother's friend, Paul Dunn for answering the challenge from the last blog: a song written by a white man that celebrates/sexualizes a quality in women that is usually derided in our culture.

My brother pointed out Queen's Fat Bottomed Girls:

Are you gonna take me home tonight?
Ah, down beside that red firelight;
Are you gonna let it all hang out?
Fat bottomed girls,
You make the rockin' world go round.

Hey
I was just a skinny lad
Never knew no good from bad,
But I knew life before I left my luxury,
Left alone with big fat Fanny,
She was such a naughty nanny!
Hey big woman you made a bad boy out of me!
Hey, hey!

I've been singing with my band
Across the wire, across the land,
I seen ev'ry blue eyed floozy on the way, hey
But their beauty and their style
Wear kind of smooth after a while.
Take me to them lardy ladies every time!

Hey listen here,
Now I got mortgages on homes
I got stiffness in my bones
Ain't no beauty queens in this locality. (I tell ya!)
Oh, but I still get my pleasure
Still got my greatest treasure.
Heap big woman you done made a big man out-of me!
Now get this!

Oh, you gonna take me home tonight (please)
Ah, down beside that red firelight
Oh, you gonna let it all hang out
Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin' world go round
Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin' world go round
GET ON YOUR BIKES AND RIDE!

Oooh yeah oh yeah them fat bottomed girls
Fat bottomed girls
Yeah yeah yeah
all right
ride 'em cowboy
Fat bottomed girls
Yes yes

I've never heard this song, but I did read online that it has many appreciative, fat-bottomed fans. The title of this song even parallels Muddy Waters' Big Leg Women. Big:Fat::Leg:Bottom::Women:Girls. I do like that his obsession began because he was seduced by his fat nanny. However, wouldn't that make this more of a fetish song? Isn't the nature of a fetish a weird, often inexplicable sexual preference that may have some root in a possibly traumatic or at least strange childhood experience? I'm thinking of Rosseau. In Confessions, he explains how, after being spanked by his Governess as a child, as an adult he could only reach sexual climax by being paddled. This isn't to say that there aren't many men out there who genuinely dig ladies with more flesh, and this isn't to say that Brian May (who wrote the song) wasn't one of them. However, there is a difference between a preference and fetish, especially if you are the one being desired. Remember that episode of King of the Hill when Peggy, after being paid as a foot model, learned that her feet were desired only because of how definitively bizarre they were?

My friend Chris pointed out Fugazi's song Suggestion:

Why can't i walk down a street free of suggestion?
Is my body the only trait in the eye's of men?
I've got some skin
You want to look in
There lays no reward in what you discover
You spent yourself watching me suffer
Suffer you words, suffer your eyes, suffer your hands
Suffer your interpretation of what it is to be a man
I've got some skin
You want to look in
She does nothing to deserve it
He only wants to observe it
We sit back like they taught us
We keep quiet like they taught us
He just wants to prove it
She does nothing to remove it
We don't want anyone to mind us
So we play the roles that they assigned us
She does nothing to conceal it
He touches her 'cause he wants to feel it
We blame her for being there
But we are all guilty

Thanks for this song, which I've never heard, and it certainly does deal with many of the themes from the post before. However, and Chris pointed this out, this song's purpose is to talk about the objectification of women as a problem. Thank you, Fugazi, but I propose another solution: equal-opportunity objectification.

Then, Thank God, Paul Dunn, who I can't believe even reads this blog, pointed out a song I already knew: Confederate Railroad's Trashy Women:

Well, I was raised in a sophisticated kind of style.
Yeah, my taste in music and women drove my folks half wild.
Mom and Dad had a plan for me,
It was debutantes and er-symphonies,
But I like my music; I like my women wild.

Yeah, an' I like my women just a little on the trashy side,
When they wear their clothes too tight and their hair is dyed.
Too much lipstick an' er too much rouge,
Gets me excited, leaves me feeling confused.
An' I like my women just a little on the trashy side.

Shoulda seen the looks on the faces of my Dad and Mom,
When I showed up at the door with a date for the senior prom.
They said: "Well, pardon us son, she ain't no kid.
"That's a cocktail waitress in a Dolly Parton wig.
I said: "I know it dad, ain't she cool, that's the kind I dig."

I like 'em sweet, I like 'em with a heart of gold.
Yeah an' I like 'em brassy, I like 'em brazen and bold.
Well, they say that opposites attract, well, I don't agree
I want a woman just as tacky as me.
Yeah, I like my women just a little on the trashy side.

Yeah, an' I like my women just a little on the trashy side,
When they wear their clothes too tight and their hair is dyed.
Too much lipstick an' er too much rouge,
Gets me excited, leaves me feeling confused.
An' I like my women just a little on the trashy side.

I'm tempted to dismiss this song as another ironic country song (like Redneck Woman by Gretchen Wilson), but it's so thorough. There is the part about the Dolly Parton wig, but it doesn't exploit the obvious advantage (and punch line) of dating a trashy woman: she puts out. Instead, he highlights the fact that they are "brazen and bold" and, yes, "wild." If this were just a fetish song, it would have some origin in his youth, such as his first encounter being with a trashy older prostitute. However, he liked them because his parents wanted something different for him, "debutantes and symphonies," and he rebelled.

I love this song. A year ago, I wrote a piece about the R. Crumb documentary and an experience I had at Office Max. The song's chorus was quoted in its entirety. I should have thought of it before! Thank you, Paul. You've completed my challenge, and for this, I will deliver as promised, another photo of me and my new boyfriend, Herbie:

I Won't Cuss Or Hitcha

The sexiest album I've ever heard is Muddy Waters'Folk Singer. These are songs for a slow metabolism. They're Winter songs. Waters was 49 when it was released, and he's mellow and deep-voiced and heavy.

Most songs recycle the same themes, even lines, so much that sometimes they all seem like bible verses put to different tunes for us to memorize. LEARN OUR MYTHS, they say. THIS IS HOW TO THINK ABOUT IT.

Are you the one that I've been waiting for?
I can't live if livin' is without you
I'm never gonna dance again
When I fall in love it'll be forever
I will follow him
Our love was meant to be
I know eventually we'll be together
You are safe in my heart


These sentiments STRONGLY informed my ideas about love when I was a kid/young woman. Thank God for feminism, otherwise I'd still have a poster of Robert Doisneau's "The Kiss" on my wall:



Within Jazz and Blues there exists a different myth, a different set of values, and a different way of viewing desire. Billie Holliday laments:

Nobody knows how cruel fate can be
How close together love and hate can be
Goodbye, just clean the slate for me
That's life I guess

The first three lines could be any song, but the last line is about acceptance that things are difficult. She's not fighting, she's not asking, "why?", she's not saying that "eventually we'll be together," and she's not even threatening him with how much he'll miss her. It's just like: Life is shitty and love is difficult and that's just how it is so we might as well sing about it.

On Folk Singer, Muddy Waters has a slooooowwww song about things gone wrong. The first verse is about being on a ship. Read this s...l...o...w...l...y:

The cook's alriiiiiiiiiiiiiight. . . but the captain's so meannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. . . . .the cook's alriiiiiiiight...........but the captain's so mean . . . . . I mean he's so mean... . . . . . . . . . . . ..mmmmmmm.. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Won't feed me nothiiiiiiiiiiin'. . . . . . . . . . . . . but Sawyer bean.

My wheel mule is crippllllllllllle...... my lead mmmmmmmule is blind..........my wheel mule is crippllllllllllle........my lead mule is blind................
Ain't gonna buy my baby no more stockings ooooohhhhhhhhh........with the seam behind.

(How I want to live in a world where your man buys you stockings.) This is music from a history of things gone wrong. It's the Blues. It ain't gonna be okay, so we may as well sing about it.

But the gem of the album is this:

Big legged women
Keep your dresses down
You got stuff that make a bulldog hug a hound
huh, big legged women
keep your dresses down
you got stuff that make a bulldog hug a hound

If you roll your belly like you roll your dough
People's that cryin, they want some more.
Ah, roll your belly like your roll your dough
People's that crying, people's that's crying for more.

Big legged women sure got something good,
Peoples that crying bout it in the neighborhood,
Big legged women, Sure got something good,
Now, If you don't believe me, ask everybody in my neighborhood.

Jerry Lee Lewis of "Great Balls of Fire" fame sang this song, too, but he made the lyrics dirtier. His version includes lines like "I like the way you shake that great big fat behind," "set your ass down at that table," and "ain't a cherry in the house." Now almost everything I know about Jerry Lee Lewis I learned from the movie Great Balls of Fire when I was 9, but I do know that I wouldn't let the man ever give me a ride home. His version is either hyperbole or satire; he's either fetishizing them or mocking them. It feels like the song "Get An Ugly Girl to Marry You."

I have no doubt that Muddy Waters is sincere. I picture him sitting on a hot porch in a dry season, watching a big legged woman walk by in her house dress. Letting her pass and saying some sly, short, understated, something to his neighbor. This is a man who pronounces "pretty," "pruhty." There is such a fine, sweet line between misogyny and admiration, power and lust, objectification and appreciation.

Although both versions of the song are supposedly addressed to the women, Lewis' is really addressed to other men. This trait is all too common, especially in Rock music and Hip Hop: Warrant's "Cherry Pie," ZZ Top's "She's Got Legs," and The Hollies "Long Cool Woman (In a Black Dress)." Songs may seem grammatically like they are addressed to women, but really they are for other men: The Rolling Stone's "Brown Sugar," and ACDC's "You Shook Me All Night Long." (John Mayer's song for 17-year-old soon-to-be-ex-virgins "Your Body Is a Wonderland" was a popular exception).

Now think about the legacy of Big Legged Women : Baby Got Back.



Sir Mix-A-Lot's song is a political rant on how white culture has made black women feel inferior. He's looking at "rock videos" with "knock-kneed bimbos walkin' like hoes." His song is addressed to black women to make them understand that most black men think that they are sexy, REALLY SEXY, just how they are: "take the average black man and ask him that, she gotta pack much back." He's "tired on magazines saying flat butts are the thing." He tells the ladies, "so Cosmo says your fat, well I ain't down with that." On the ideal dimensions: "36-24-36? Only if she's 5'3"." He even encourages the girls to "shake that healthy butt."

Can anybody out there name a song by a white man, in any time, addressed to women in general telling them they are sexy eventhough mainstream culture proposes otherwise?

If you can, I'll post another picture of me and Herbie. Talk about back. Damn.

Mac Attack

My brother was always way too nice to me. He's six years older, and could have been mean or at least distant, but Mac was the kind of brother who, at 13, spent his entire $5 at the Greek festival on a heart shaped box filled with potpourri for me. I was the kind of sister who kicked him in the face and made his nose bleed. And I was only two when I did it.

Now Mac is 32 and lives in New Orleans with his wife and their 4-year-old daughter, Marley, and 4-month-old son, Jack. He's fluent, and I mean fluent, in Spanish and is getting his doctorate in Spanish Literature at Tulane. Mac is consistent. He's impeccably moral. He alternates between periods of extreme sloth and activity. He'll watch 4 hours of Family Guy and then write on his dissertation all night. He'll play a game on a Sears website to take care of a virtual tree for an hour just to get a coupon. He's proud he can sing like the guy from Hootie and the Blowfish. He's an entrepreneur and actually has a savings account. He has beautiful light blue eyes with thick black lashes and a thick head of black, curly hair. I adore him.

Here's a photo of us posing like our ancestors in the hallway of my grandpa's assisted living facility:



Mac, the only brother, the best brother:

3 years old: He's babysitting me. We carpet the living room floor with newspaper and dried black eyed peas. He turns on the Oliver North Hearings and we simualate fart-powered aeronautics in my cabbage patch kids.

16 years old: He comes home from his job at an Internet gaming cafe at 2 in the morning and wakes me up. We go to Country Cupboard (an old gas station) and buy lemon-lime powerade and Reese's peanut butter cups. He drives me around Canton listening to 311 and Sublim with the windows down. It is a school night.

25 years old: New Orleans, his wife is in Utah and he's sad. After seeing Godzilla, we drive under a bridge singing, yes, Oasis, at the top of our lungs in his car named Bob Marley. At home we stay up all night listening to music from when we were in high school. Around 5, we decide to go to Cafe Du Monde and get coffee/hot chocolate and beignets. The sun comes up while we're sitting there. Then we go yardsale-ing.

But really, the best story happened before I was born, relayed to me by my mother tonight on the phone:

Mama (who deserves her own blog post, as well as my Dad) told me she was offended by how open Mac is on his blog.

"He talks about his sex life. He even emailed me some pictures of Jack's [his 4 month old son] first poop. He's always been obsessed with poop. I remember when we were at the Dillard House and he was five or six. We were all sitting at a family table and we could hear Mac in the bathroom. He yelled out 'Fire One!' and then flushed and then, 'Fire Two!' and then he flushed again. He was pooping in there! We could hear him perfectly. We were laughing so hard we were crying. Kermit Keezer had big tears just comin out of his eyes. He kept going 'Fire three! Fire four!' just going and going."

My New Boyfriend!

His name is Herbie. We met in Chinatown. He was wrapped in cellophane, adorned with a "Good Luck" bow. Amen, Herbie, Amen.



It's pretty serious.


He works out.


That's why he looks so good from behind.



Sometimes we work out together.





He's SO cute!